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  • Location: United States

One-Line Bio

I promise I will never blog about soup, I am a velociraptor and we don't even like soup


Basically, I am a velociraptor, which is is a genus of dromaeosaurid theropod dinosaur that existed approximately 75 to 71 million years ago during the later part of the Cretaceous Period.

There are a lot of funny ideas about what velociraptors look like (thanks Steven Spielberg! LOL!!!) but I can tell you I am a very handsome one. Or a beautiful one. I'm not quite sure if I'm a male or a female, but I AM quite sure that I'm very attractive and if you disagree I might eat your face. Because I'm a velociraptor.

Well, let's see... I used to live in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn (shout out!) but after I ate my roommate's cat he asked me to move out. So then I ate my roommate, which would have allowed me to keep the apartment but I decided to move because the memories there were too painful (eating my roommate's cat, eating my roommate, etc.).

Now I live in Washington Heights and have a new roomie, Sheila, whom I have not yet eaten (although I make that threat quite often!! LOL!!!). Sheila is a single, flat-chested white girl who's very easy to manipulate, even for a velociraptor, so the living situation is pretty good right now.

Anyway, I've decided to write my own "blog" so as to hopefully attract some sponsors to pay me money to advertise on my site since I've had trouble holding down a job--as a velociraptor I sadly still face a lot of racism, like people assuming I love fried chicken, or that I'm really good at math (although both of those assumptions happen to be true!!! LOL!!!).

I used to work as an assistant teacher at a day care center but I had trouble fitting into those little tiny chairs! Plus I kept eating the children, which is apparently frowned upon. Then I tried my hand at being a firefighter but the other firefighters seemed to think I was "scaring away all the cute girls" (and by "scaring away" I mean "slashing them open with my talons"). My last attempt at a job was career counseling but you can imagine how THAT went (meaning, I usually "counseled" my clients to "get in my belly").

So enjoy my blogs! Especially if you are a wealthy CEO interested in "hitching your wagon" to my "star" (wink wink!). I can't promise I won't disembowel you (wink wink!) but I CAN promise if I do you won't see it coming (Spielberg got one thing right--velociraptors are very, very fast! LOL!!!).


velociraptors, more velociraptors, not soup